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Teary Eyed
(Ring) Paul Crowell speaking. (LPC) Yes sir, uhhhh, I’m trying to find a way to cry more of my own natural tears, and reduce dry eye. Could you possibly...possibly… I’m sorry, this is, uh, an office at The University of Minnesota. I’m in the physics department. Sure. I’m just trying to increase tear production in my eyes, and I, uh, got your number from the operator. Maybe they thought physiology? I’m a physicist, i don’t know anything about it, I’m sorry. I’m a solid state physicist. I guess you don’t know anything about optics, then? (Echo effect) I take it. I know optics as in optics for lasers and such. (SFX - pitch lowered) I’m a spelunker, that’s probably what caused this whole deal. I’ve got a seeing eye falcon, that I brought with me, back from Dubai, and that kind of helps me a little bit. But what can I do to, uh, produce more tears in my eyes? Yeah, ‘cause that, that sounds like a physiology question. (SFX)Yeah. I mean, uh… (SFX) well… Did, did they put you in contact with someone in the medical school? (SFX) They told me to, they told me to talk to you. They said that you would be the person to a(sk). I mean, are your optics even clean, your own self? Or, are they dirty? Umm, my optics are inside a laser cavity. I don’t work with anything that’s wet. In essence I… (LPC interrupts) Yeah. ...I try to avoid water at all costs. Fella, my eyes are dry as a bone, frankly. (Echo sfx) Okay, I, I don’t know anything about eyes and tears, or moisture. How do I cry more of my own natural tears? Except for putting drops in your eyes, I just wouldn’t know. How about liquid helium? (Echo effects) Is that something I could maybe try? I don’t know, what do you think? What do you think? That will not solve your problem. (SFX) Why? It’s a cryogenic fluid. (SFX) Whaaaa. I’m not trying to live forever, I’m just trying to produce more tears. I just can’t do anymore to help. Bye bye. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Hello? (SFX) Hi, I’m your new neighbor. I’m trying to cry more of my own natural tears, and increase tear production. Uh, what should I do? I don’t know how to make people cry. I need to make my eyes more tearful. (SFX) That sounds awesome. Maybe you should go watch a sad movie. Garlic might make you cry, or onions. (SFX) Uhhh, is there anything physical I can do? Maybe you can whip yourself? Hit myself? Sure, I don’t know. Don’t ask me, I don’t do these weird things. I’m trying to increase tear production. Well, ask your optometrist. (lots of SFX) Well what advice do you have? (Laughs) You’re funny. What should I dooo? I think you might need a therapist. What can you tell me? That you’re funny. How can I make my eyes more tearful? (pitch shift sfx and echo repeat) full, full, full, full… (Laughs) Use eye drops. (Laughs) Okay, well I’m trying to find a way, or I might have to move. We have too many people here, they need to move out. Well, can you make my eyes more tearful (SFX) for me? You’d have to pay me a lot of money. I get paid forty bucks an hour. (SFX) Ohhhhh yeeeaaaah. Ohhhh yeeeaaaah. I’ll do it! Ohhhh Yeeeeah. (Laughs) You’re very amusing. Thank you for cheering me up. You just made my day. How about you and me get together and cry some natural tears. That sound good? (Laughs) What? (Very high pitched) What should I do? (SFX) Oh my God, you are the funniest prank phone caller, ever in the world. So, you have a good afternoon. Bye. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) This is Adam. Hi, yeah, this is Goldie. I’m new to the area, and it’s really dry here, I’m trying to increase tear production in my eyes. What advice do you have? (SFX) Tell me what to do. Oh, this is crazy, this is like a prank call. Is this Longmont Potion Castle? No, I live in Wheat Ridge. Oh, okay. Yeah, the Postmaster gave me your number. (SFX) What advice do you have? Is what I’m trying to find out. I’d say that you should like, onion up your face, hard. You’re trying to get more tear production? Like extreme tear production? I’m trying to cry more of my own tears (SFX and echo) s, s, s, s, s… Ohhhh. This is so fucking amazing right now. I wish every day was like this. Can you tell me what to do? I’m new to the area. I got your number from the operator. Yeah, I would say… (High pitched SFX) Anything you can tell me would be great. Anything you can tell me would be really great. Oh, this is so awesome right now. I don’t know. (Crazy SFX) I need to cry more of my own natural tears.(Crazy SFX) That’s fuckin’ awesome. Don’t leave me hanging. No, onion up the face. Onion up the face. I got some raw ass onions over here, we’ll pull ‘em right outta the ground. Come on over, I’ll slice ‘em open, I’ll rub ‘em right in your eyes. Then I’ll give you something to cry about, there tough guy. What do you think of that? (High pitched SFX) No doubt in my mind. There’s no doubt in my mind, period. (SFX) You’re gonna be exterminated, end of sentence. (Very low pitched SFX) End of sentence. End of paragraph. You’re gonna be exterminated, buddy. (Low pitched SFX) I’m gonna whoop ya in the ass. That’s awesome. That’s so quality. This is classic right now. I can’t believe you’re prank calling me. This is so cool. (High pitched SFX) I’m gonna whoop ya ass! I’m gonna whoop ya ass! Oh, this is so good. (High pitched) I’m gonna whoop ya ass! This is so good right now. (High pitched SFX) I’m gonna whoop ya ass! I’m gonna whoop ya ass! (Laughs) (Hang up sound) - Incomplete transcription. 5:30 - 6:45 has not yet been transcribed. (Ring) Yeah? Hey Eric, how ya doin'? Who's this? Uh, this is Woodrow. I'm your new neighbor. Wait, who is this? Uh, this is Woodrow. (echo) (pitch shift) I'm new to the area. Who's Woodrow, man? I'm tryin' to make more of my own natural tears. What advice do you have for me, please? Who the fuck are you, dude? I live on the same street as you! Huh? (pitch shift) I'm your new neighbor. What's with your voice manipulator? I got a new phone, I'm in a new town, I got a new-''' Hey dude, who the fuck are you? I don't know you. '''(pitch shift) My name's Woodrow. Right. Cool man, later. Fuckin' call me again, I'm blockin' your fuckin' number. Ya dig? Don't do that at all. It's over, you're gettin' blocked. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Hey, I'm sorry. I think we got cut off 'ere. Who are you, man? Uh, my name's Woody. I'm tryin' to reduce dry eyes and make my eyes more tearful. Who are you, dude? What are you callin' me for? What should I do? What advice do you have? I'm your neighbor. Who are you, dude? Why do you got two different phone numbers, genius? I'm your new neighbor. I got your number from the postmaster, he's an old family friend. Huh? What postmaster, dude? The General. Hey bro, speak up! How'd you get my number? Lookie here, buddy. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Yeah? Yeah, I'm just tryin' to cry more of my own natural tears. What advice do you have? Uh, cut some onions up, bitch. Take down this number so we can track it. (echo) Oh, don't do that. We'll be tracking this shit. You're on speakerphone, genius. (echo) Er, what's- what's the deal? (mocking LPC) Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh-yuh (slowed down) I'm tryin' to find a way to cry more of my own natural tears, end of story! Why can't you help me out? It's the neighborly thing to do. Really? Why do you got three phone numbers, neighbor? What?! Why do you got three phone numbers? I got a landline, and I have a cell phone. Yeah, so what? So who are you? How do you know me? Well, I got your number off the operator. For what? (slowed down) I'm trying to cry more of my own natural tears. For what reason? For what reason? Hey, you got fuckin' wax buildup, dude? For what reason? (slowed down) What can you tell me? What advice do you have? I can tell you this, as soon as I found out who the fuck you are... that's what I can tell you. Oh, are you gonna help me out? You wanna meet up in person, is that what you're saying? And then, uh... You gonna play games, or you gonna tell me who you are? I'm tellin' you right now, I'm your new neighbor. I'm new to the area. What area is that, dude? What area? Well, I'm in Tarzana right now at work. Where do I live? I live in the valley, and it's- you know, it's an interesting place, I'll give you that. The valley- the valley's big. Where? It's real big - I've never seen anything like it. What city do you live in, genius? I'm in Tarzana at work. Where do you live?! Do you have fuckin' hearing problems? Where the fuck do you live? I'm tryin' to increase tear production, tough guy. What can you tell me? I can tell you you're a piece of fuckin' shit. (Hang up sound) - Incomplete transcription. 9:50 - 11:00 (end of track) has not yet been transcribed. Category:Calls in which LPC is recognized